Part 3 of our Q and A Session with PeopleMaps Psychology Director, Anne Ellis looks at how personality might help with choosing your ideal mate - it’s all in the balance of the scales!

Q: How can you choose an ideal partner using personality?

The very first thing is to check that you do have shared values and goals - and then examine the bi-polar scales. Remember - if you have a lack of common values and goals, it’s unlikely that your relationship will be successful whatever your personality type!

Q: How does the Introvert and Extravert scale affect a partnership?

Extraverts probably get on well with their opposite introverts if for no other reason than they are not fighting each other for ‘air time’! If both partners are at the extreme ends of these scales chances are they would never meld together as they would upset each other almost as soon as they open their mouths. Fortunately most people are close to the centre of the Extravert/Introvert scale.

If both partners were extraverted there is a chance that they may both be gregarious and tend to talk at the same time. They also may want to grab the limelight, be forceful in oferring their opinions and generally be more confronting than other types.

If both partners were introverted, the silences could be long, but then they may like that? However, there could be a challenge when in company if neither of them was comfortable breaking the ice with strangers - there could be a strain on the relationship.

Q: And the Thinking or Feeling scale?

The rational preference scales of Thinking and Feeling could be tricky if a couple were extreme i.e. placed at either end. There is less evidence to show where people generally fall along this scale than with the Extravert/Introvert scale.

A person who is high on the Thinking side of this scale would be more objective, factual and task focused, however they could be very happy to meet someone from the Feeling end of the scale who was warm, friendly and people-oriented, and there are certainly very many relationships where this combination works well.

There could however be a challenge particularly if the ‘Thinking’ partner wasn’t keen to show emotion or dicuss feelings, and the Feeling partner didn’t enjoy being task focused and had to work at being objective to get on the same wave length as their partner.

If both partners had a Thinking preference then they could get on well together as both could remain objective and work together to complete tasks. They would forward plan and generally be action oriented. There could be a lack of warmth and emotion in this relationship, but hey that’s okay for some people!

If both partners had a Feeling preference they could get on well together because they would both be warm-hearted, aim to please each other and be friendly not only to each other but also to those people they came in contact with. There may not be a lot of planning taking place, but they would be happy to go with the flow. There could be an abundance of feeling in this combination that may cause them to bleed all over the carpet for any situation that upset them! On the other hand some people do fall in love with their suffering so for them this may be okay too.

Q: And the third scale of Sensing or Intuition- How will that affect things?

This scale is the most likely to be the deal breaker. Yet again life is about a balancing act and these two preferences could balance out nicely. If one partner was highly intuitive they may count on their partner being the practical one who could use their sensing to bring the intuitive back down to earth having applied a common sense view to their creative flights of fancy.

There is a mismatch between expectations of these two if they are at either end of this scale. The Intuitive is future oriented - and life is all about possibilities, potential and is really the art of the possible. The Sensing partner is more practical and down to earth - they want tangible proof for almost everything and believe in the here and now and manage to thrive without any flight of fancy.

Reconciling these two very different world views takes some doing and if in this bi-polar scale partners are opposites it is almost a certainty that this could only work if they truly shared their values and were willing to make major compromises to meet each others needs!

Q: What does it all mean? Can profiling really help improve relationships?

People are individually very complex but when you put two or more together the complexities multiply.

Relationships are not only complex, they are multi-faceted and a whole host of issues need to be confronted. What profiling does is help each and everyone of us to identify what it is that makes us tick and then be aware of what motivates others.

It really depends on the depth of the feeling that one holds for another as to how much compromising they will do in any relationship. This is true of behaviour too. In every relationship we have we will make compromises on our behaviour that sometimes we are not aware of, but instinctively we know are necessary to move the relationship forward.

If we understand our own complex personality better as a result of profiling then we will know the areas where compromise between two people is the most crucial.

Who needs to adjust - you or the other person? If you want a relationship to work then in the first place you need to adjust. If you do this successfully then you will trust that the other person appreciates the relationship enough to make their own adjustments and contribute to the greater harmony.

If you have an Extraverted preference then make sure that you take into account the needs of others around you and do not exaggerate this attitude. It is likely that someone with a preference for extraversion has to tone down occasionally and understanding the needs of others whose company you may be sharing, will dictate this for you.

If you have an Introverted preference then you may have to force yourself to be a bit more overt to enable a relationship to flow better. At first this may be uncomfortable - however practice makes perfect and it does not mean that you have to become an extravert, just a little more open and talkative.

If you have a preference for Thinking you may have to get in touch with your feelings and become a bit more tolerant of people. You may need to make some overtures such as enquiring after a person’s health or saying thank you for small kindnesses and generally share a little more emotion rather than remaining apart and objective through a meeting.

If you have a preference for Feeling you may need to get in touch with your objective side and tone down your emotions to relate better to the people who are less ‘touchy feelie’ This does not mean that you have to become cold just a bit more self contained.

If you have a preference for Sensing you may need to become a bit more imaginative, dream a little, see possibilities without needing tangible evidence and be open to ideas even those you may normally think are off the wall.

If you have a preference for Intuition you may need to ‘get real’ as the saying goes. Be less ‘head in clouds’ and a bit more down to earth and practical. Focus on reality, what’s possible now rather than well into the future. Stop day dreaming and do some planning!

Q: This all sounds a bit technical, Anne?

This is only a guide to what might be happening in our relationship with self - and then how this clashes or compliments when we are in relationships with others. A profile will enable us to see which of the bi-polar scales we use most of the time. It will tell if our attitude is Extraverted or Introverted, and if we have a rational preference for Thinking or Feeling and what are our irrational preferences for Sensing or Intuition.

The golden rule is check that you share values with a partner, put their needs before yours, offer unconditional love and there should be more joy in your life. Joy is to love, and be loved and when we are prepared to go to the trouble of modifying our behaviour to get on better with others we are trying very hard to be accused of bringing joy to another!